Glad you asked.
Playing with the Kink Dispenser
Are there age restrictions?
Yes, some prizes are kinky, sexual, or otherwise decidedly adult in nature, you must be at least 18 years old to play with the Kink Dispenser.
That means 18 chronological years. Not Little Space years. Not “but I’m 27 in puppy years.” Not “my Daddy said I could.”
Actual, lived-on-this-earth-for-eighteen-years old.
The Kink Dispenser supports age play. It does not support creative accounting.
Can I choose what is in my Kink?
No. That would make this a store. This is a Kink Dispenser.
You select how many times you wish to challenge fate. Fate chooses the rest.
Can I request a specific item?
You can request anything you want. The machine will ignore you… maybe… you should try talking to it….
If you desperately want something you’ve seen someone else pull, your options include trying again, trading, negotiating, offering tribute, making puppy eyes, or developing an elaborate barter economy.
What you cannot do is order from the machine like it is a tiny plastic Amazon warehouse.
Can I look through the machine and pick which Kink I want?
You may look. You may speculate. You may point dramatically. You may become convinced the Kink three inches to the left contains your destiny.
What you may not do is select it. You receive whichever Kink the machine dispenses.
The machine is not impressed by your powers of observation.
Can I shake the machine?
Please do not shake the Kink Dispenser.
We understand the temptation. There is a transparent container full of tiny prizes sitting directly in front of you. Your inner raccoon has awakened.
Resist, the machine has done nothing to you.
If something appears stuck, find Master Malcolm, slave molotov, or a Ball Handler and let us investigate before you attempt to solve the problem through brute force, interpretive dance, or acts of mechanical intimidation.
Can I open my Kink at the machine?
Absolutely. In fact, we encourage it.
There is something deeply entertaining about watching someone open a Kink and immediately make one of four faces: delight, confusion, “What the fuck is this?” or “Oh my god, I know EXACTLY who needs this.”
We consider all four successful outcomes. Just leave enough room for the next person to have their own experience.
Can I buy more than five Kinks?
Yes. The pricing is not a limit. It is just where the listed bundle pricing stops.
If you would like more, Master Malcolm can help you calculate it (slave molotov became a therapist because she was told there would be no math.) Please do not make the machine responsible for your arithmetic, it already has a job.
Need help at an event?
Find Master Malcolm, slave molotov, or one of our designated Ball Handlers. If the machine took your payment without dispensing a Kink, something is stuck, or a prize has arrived broken, come talk to us.
Please do not attempt to summon assistance by shaking the machine.
Prizes and the emotional consequences of randomness
I didn’t get the prize I wanted. What can I do?
The Kink Dispenser believes strongly in fate, chaos, and not making slave molotov spend the entire event operating a tiny kink returns department.
What the machine gives you is what the machine gives you.
We don’t exchange prizes because you wanted the purple thing and got the blue thing, because your friend got something cooler, or because the universe once again failed to recognize you are the main character.
This is a kink event, you are surrounded by people with questionable impulse control and excellent negotiation skills. Trade with each other, make friends, barter, negotiate, form a tiny Kink-based economy. We support this.
Can I return a prize because I don’t like it?
No, once the prize enters your life, the relationship has begun.
You may trade it, gift it, dramatically announce the universe has betrayed you, or hand it to your friend while saying, “This feels more like a you problem.”
The Kink Dispenser doesn’t offer preference-based returns. Commitment is scary, we believe in you.
Can I exchange something if I already own it?
No official exchanges, but congratulations, you now possess leverage. Find someone and trade, gift, barter, or start a tiny economy operating approximately six feet from the Kink Dispenser. We’re deeply in favor of attendees trading prizes with each other.
Why did my partner get the cool thing?
Because life is cruel and the machine has favorites. Probably.
We don’t assign individual prizes to particular people, which means sometimes your partner will spend $5 and pull the exact thing you wanted while you’ve invested $20 into what increasingly feels like a personal lesson about attachment.
This is an excellent opportunity to practice compersion, negotiation, or theft, if consensually pre-negotiated.
Are there rare prizes?
Sometimes, we enjoy putting special, unusual, higher-value, event-specific, or limited items into circulation and Golden Tickets are one way we do that.
You may attempt to stare deeply into the Kink Dispenser and divine their location. Many have tried, but the acrylic remains undefeated.
Is everything in the machine sexual?
No, some prizes are explicitly adult-oriented while others are funny, decorative, sensory, collectible, educational, useful, or simply weird. We believe weird is an underappreciated prize category.
I don’t know what my prize is for.
Ask us. Post a picture on our Facebook. There’s a good chance someone will recognize it.
There’s also a good chance someone will confidently invent an entirely new use for it. Please distinguish between those two categories before putting anything inside your body.
When the machine actually misbehaves
What if the machine eats my payment?
First, do not panic. Second, do not begin kicking the machine. Third, find Master Malcolm, slave molotov, or a Ball Handler.
Machines occasionally behave like machines, which is to say they choose violence at inconvenient moments.
If the Kink Dispenser takes your payment and fails to provide the promised tiny plastic Kink of destiny, we’ll investigate and make it right. This is one of the very few circumstances in which arguing with the machine is justified.
My Kink was empty. What do I do?
Come find us. An empty Kink isn’t an exciting existential commentary on consumerism, it’s a mistake, we’ll fix it.
My prize is broken. What do I do?
If something came out of the machine already broken or obviously defective, come talk to us. We’re not going to make you solemnly accept a broken object because “the machine has spoken.” There are limits to our commitment to chaos.
Once you have modified, driven over, given to your dog, or attempted to improve the item with a Dremel the conversation is going to be somewhat different.
Golden Tickets and tokens
What is a Golden Ticket?
A Golden Ticket lets you choose from the available prizes that won’t fit inside a Kink capsule.
Bring it to Master Malcolm, slave molotov, or a Ball Handler. No chocolate factory tour is included.
What are the tokens?
One token gives you one Kink. Limited tokens are distributed to recognize volunteers and community participation.
The token name is less important than the fact it feeds the machine. The machine is very interested in this part.
Can I get a token for attending a class or volunteering?
Yes, tokens are distributed to volunteers, staff, presenters, etc. who can use or give them to someone they notice contributing to the community.
Attending classes, judging, volunteering, helping people, and participating in the event are ways a token might find you, but there is no guaranteed checklist.
Do useful things without treating every interaction like a side quest with loot attached.
Can I give my token away?
Absolutely. If someone makes your event better, helps you out, teaches you something, or makes you feel welcome, you are welcome to pass it along.
You are also allowed to use it yourself. This is a treat, not a moral test.
Can I ask people for tokens?
Please do not bother people for tokens. Do not follow people around, corner Ball Handlers, or repeatedly ask whether you have been good enough.
That is not fun. Please do not make the fun thing weird in the bad way.
Donations, packaging, and responsible use
Can I donate toys or prizes?
Yes, potentially. We consider contributions from makers, vendors, artists, educators, businesses, events, and community members.
Talk to us first about size, materials, condition, packaging, and intended use. Larger items may work as Golden Ticket prizes.
Please do not arrive with a grocery bag full of mysterious objects and announce that you have inventory.
Can I donate used toys?
Used prizes? Potentially great. Used sex toys? Absolutely not.
Clean, unbroken rubber ducks, little 3D prints, figurines, miniatures, and other non-intimate treasures may be excellent candidates.
No amount of sanitizing transforms your retired dildo into community inventory. We applaud its service. Let it rest.
Are the prizes sanitized?
Some items may be new, while others may be clean, recycled non-intimate prizes. We do not represent the machine’s contents as sterile.
Before putting anything on or inside your body, determine what it is, what material it is made from, whether it was designed for that use, and how it should be cleaned.
Please don’t assume that because an object emerged from a tiny plastic sphere surrounded by glittery chaos, it has undergone surgical sterilization. It has not.
Is everything body-safe?
Not every item in the machine is intended for insertion, impact, restraint, or sexual use.
A thing being vaguely penis-shaped does not constitute a manufacturer’s safety certification.
Read any packaging or instructions included with the item. Do not use decorative or novelty objects as sex toys unless they are specifically designed for that purpose.
The Kink Dispenser provides prizes. It does not provide immunity from physics.
Can I use the toys immediately?
That depends entirely on what you received. Some items need cleaning or instructions. Some require knowledge or practice. Some are not sex toys at all.
Some may prompt an experienced kinkster to gently take the object out of your hand and say, “No, not like that.”
Identify the item, understand its intended use, and don’t assume possession automatically grants proficiency.
Can vendors contribute coupons or promotional items?
Potentially, but the contents still need to feel like a prize.
Nobody wants to spend $5, open a Kink, and discover that fate has awarded them an advertisement for 10% off carpet cleaning.
Know your audience.
Can you put my business card in a Kink?
Probably not by itself. A business card is not a prize.
A business card attached to something interesting, useful, funny, kinky, beautiful, or delightfully weird? Yes, absolutely.
Can I submit ideas?
Yes, if you found something tiny, weird, delightful, inexpensive, kinky, useful, adorable, horrifying, or inexplicably compelling, send it our way.
We can’t promise to use every suggestion, but slave molotov is absolutely the sort of person who wants to receive messages beginning, “I found something that needs to go in the machine.”
Money and empty Kinks
Where does the money go?
The money collected, minus credit-card processing fees, goes to the participating event for its designated community cause.
Nayax charges 2.50% plus 10¢ per card transaction, and we never add it to your price. On a $5 Kink that’s about 23¢, which leaves about $4.77 for the cause. The full math lives on Kink for a Cause.
Master Malcolm, slave molotov, and Parallax Mental Health support the machine and its operating expenses separately. We publish event results on Where the Kinks Went.
“Trust us” is not an accounting system.
Is a Kink purchase being offered as a tax-deductible donation?
No, you’re purchasing a Kink and receiving a prize. The Kink Dispenser separately passes the funds raised, after credit-card processing fees, to the event for its designated cause.
Please don’t assume your handful of tiny kinky objects comes with a charitable-contribution receipt, our accountant has enough to deal with.
What will show up on my card statement?
Nayax, not Kink Dispenser.
Nayax runs the machine’s card reader, so their name goes on the charge. Your bank does not need to know about your Kinks.
The boring details live in our Privacy Policy.
Can I keep the empty Kink?
Yes. Maybe you need a tiny container. Maybe the Kink has chosen you. We are not here to interfere with that relationship.
But every Kink you return is one Master Malcolm and slave molotov do not have to replace, leaving more of our operating budget for prizes.
We’re not telling you what to do, we’re just making prolonged eye contact.
What belongs in the return bin?
Empty Kink Dispenser capsules, preferably with both halves. Keep your prizes, Golden Tickets, and instructions.
Please do not add drinks, trash, or unrelated objects. This sentence exists because every policy has a name attached. Do not make us elaborate.
What happens to leftover inventory?
It returns to the great Kink Dispenser ecosystem.
Suitable remaining prizes travel to another event, where they await another unsuspecting human. Inventory is added, mixed, rotated, recycled, donated, created, and occasionally rediscovered by slave molotov while saying, “Oh. I forgot we have these.”
Can I buy the whole machine?
Everything has a price. Except probably this.
Master Malcolm and slave molotov are emotionally attached to the Kink Dispenser in a way that has already become concerning. You are welcome to gaze upon it lovingly, photograph it where permitted, invite it to your event, and feed it money.
Purchasing the entire machine is not currently part of the business model.
Machine lore
Who created that amazing KinkDispenser logo?
That magic arrived from TooMuchNeon. A graphic artist in our community.
I invented an elaborate conspiracy theory about Kink distribution. Where do I submit it?
Our Facebook, obviously.
Acceptable theories include Master Malcolm secretly controlling the order, slave molotov assigning prizes based on vibes, Golden Tickets migrating between Kinks when nobody is looking, the machine being able to smell desperation, and the three-inch Kinks plotting something.
Evidence is optional. Charts with red string dramatically connecting photographs will receive appropriate recognition.
Please understand neither Master Malcolm nor slave molotov will confirm or deny the machine’s consciousness.
We know what we have seen.
Why do you keep talking about the machine like it’s alive?
Next question.